Platypus Eggs

Do you know what is quite funny?

2009-01-06T09:09:00.000-05:00

Let's start with this one, a New Zealand joke about its neighbor.

Why do seagulls fly over Australia upside down?

Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

Yep. Such is the love between members of the dominion. While Australians might dislike Kiwis, they both despise South Africans -- and like reminding them of apartheid. And the Irish seem just a bit sore about that whole "carving the country in two and denying a unified nation" thing that the British did. But they can all agree on one thing: never start a conversation with a Scotsman. They have nothing to say, and you wouldn't understand it if they did.

I suppose what truly unites all these nations (besides colonialism and massacres) is an appreciation and admiration for comedy. British comedy has a special standing in the world, simultaneously known for quick wit, deadpan delivery, clever turns of phrase, irony, understatement and, well, Benny Hill.

Ed Byrne represents the self-deprecating, socially aware comedians that have conquered the comedic world in the past decade. I saw his new live show, Different Classes, at Riverside Studios in Hammersmith. He's a clever Irish comic, with quirky anecdotes and clever insights. Check out this video of him teaching Alanis Morrisette a lesson on irony.

But he is Irish. And he was drinking a beer on stage.

And just for kicks, we'll end with this riff on the Irish.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

The end of civilization -- coming to a nation near you

2007-12-07T09:55:00.000-05:00

During his umpteenth interview with newspapers/ magazines for that ever-compelling story of "Who is Mike Huckabee?" -- the former Arkansas governor was asked about same-sex marriage by GQ.

His response:

There’s never been a civilization that has rewritten what marriage and family
means and survived.

He's right. Remember when, in the 19th century, women suddenly wanted to marry someone they loved instead of being sold off by their family, usually to an older gentleman? Society crashed.

Or that time when people finally stood aside and allowed interracial marriages? Whew. The armageddon that ensued after that one.

Eviction notice

2007-12-06T10:15:00.000-05:00

In a story light on the justice and heavy on waxing poetic about days gone-by, The New York Times writes that the Boy Scout group in Philadelphia will have to vacate its downtown building in June after the group and the city council failed to reconcile over non-discrimination language.

Basically, the city cannot and will not lease property to a group that knowingly discriminates against homosexuals, no matter how much the group resonates with the Good Ol' Boys at the Times.

Just read the lede on the story:

PHILADELPHIA, Dec. 4 — For three years the Philadelphia council of the Boy Scouts of America held its ground. It resisted the city’s request to change its discriminatory policy toward gay people despite threats that if it did not do so, the city would evict the group from a municipal building where the Scouts have resided practically rent free since 1928.

But Condi ..

2007-12-05T10:53:00.000-05:00

As if the State Department needed more bad publicity (Iran ... Iraq ... the "gaudy, empty show" that was the Annapolis Peace Conference), now a former ambassador to Romania, Michael Guest, has resigned in protest over the agency's unequal treatment of same-sex partners.

From the WaPo:

For instance, same-sex partners -- or unmarried heterosexual partners -- are refused anti-terrorism security training or foreign-language training and are not evacuated when eligible family members are ordered to depart. Unlike spouses, they do not receive diplomatic passports, visas or even use of the State Department mail system. They also must pay their own way overseas, get their own medical care and are left to fend for themselves if a partner is sent to a dangerous post such as Iraq

Guest reportedly talked about the unfair treatment during his goodbye ceremony, a few steps from Condi's office.

Taking responsibility for ourselves

2007-12-04T10:00:00.000-05:00

At a rally in Washington Friday, speaker after speaker after speaker rose to the lectern and lambasted the president and his administration for what they saw as a fundamental failure in dealing with the global AIDS crisis.

Of course, in Washington, the fears and the anger and the sense of abandonment becomes exponentially worse because in this city, the capital, the seat of our democracy, HIV-infection rates are higher than any other city in the U.S. Here, 1 in 20 residents has HIV.

Yes, the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief thwarts effective efforts by requiring that 33 percent of the funds sent abroad to fight AIDS be used for abstinence only education programs.

But, sometimes, we have to take responsibility for our own actions. In two new reports, it seems that HIV-positive men who know their HIV status continue to have unprotected sex. And although some of the partnerings are between two HIV-positive men, it's still a grim and dissapointing look at how -- as much as we clamor for more help in fighting the disease -- the gay community continues to engage in dangerous practices.

It's been 25 years since the public truly became aware of the epidemic. 25 years.

Why do we continue to infect each other? Why do we continue to engage in such risky activity?

Why can't we do as much for ourselves as we demand from others?

The hardest working man in the closet

2007-12-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, so the gay prostitute who outed Ted Haggard has now told the Idaho Statesman that he also had sex with Larry Craig.

Yes, he does a book coming out detailing his sordid affair with the former preacher (and "reformed" former homosexual) and he does come across as sort of a shameless publicity hound, but come on, it's too good not to to believe.

In essence -- at least according to old school health video logic -- Haggard and Craig have had sex.

Haggard and Craig. Gross.

Kerr-age

2007-11-30T09:49:00.000-05:00

At the Republican debacle, er, um, debate the other night, a retired gay general, Keith Kerr, stood up to press the candidates about the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. And the candidates flubbed, especially Mitt Romney, who told a general with 43 years of experience that gays and lesbians would be bad for the military.

Did you learn that during your time in the military? Right, right. You weren't in the armed services.

And the controversy that followed? That Kerr is affiliated with Sen. Hillary Clinton's camp.

It seems mostly everyone has rolled over the actual exchange between Kerr and the candidates because, you know, the president of the United States doesn't have to answer to anyone who differs from him ideologically.

Let the money talk

2007-11-29T10:18:00.000-05:00

Studies, studies everywhere and not a drop ... of change in policy?

A new report from UCLA shows that the state of Maryland would earn roughly $3 million if the state legislature allowed same-sex marriages. The article notes that in the debate over same-sex marriage and homosexuality in general, rarely does finance enter.

Maybe it should. The UCLA report finds that the state would earn more money not only from marriage licenses but also from sales taxes imposed on same-sex weddings.

To quote Tina Fey:
"Cuz you know those gay guys would go all out."

Republicans love money. This could get awkward.

As long as we all hate the gays

2007-11-28T10:23:00.000-05:00

As everyone else tries to make an issue about Mitt Romney's Mormonism and his strange under garments, he wants the good folks in Iowa to be concerned about banning gay marriage through a Constitutional Amendment.

In his "colorful" brochure being sent to every Iowa caucuser (?), Romney points out that McCain, Thompson and Guiliani oppose such an amendment -- which would have little chance of passing, cost tons of money and divert from any solid issue that could affect the everyday lives of Americans.

Say, like, health care costs rising so high the U.S. will go bankrupt?

But that's not important right now. Just so long as everyone in Iowa remembers they should vote to protect their marriages, which are legal and are in no danger of being declared otherwise.

Or something like that.

Let's get this week started

2007-11-26T10:18:00.000-05:00

The New York Times profiles a lesbian pastor who might lose her collar when the Lutheran Church gathers in 2009 to rule on pastor's in same-sex partnerships. She, according to the article, runs a loving ethnically diverse parish -- things that the modern church needs to embrace if it's going to survive.

But, because of an obscure passage in the Old Testament right after God tells the people not to have sex with women during that time of the month, the congregation that has mostly embraced their lesbian leader might be looking for a new pastor in the coming months.

And be sure that some of these women will be looking for a new church as well.

Happy Turkey Day

2007-11-22T13:36:00.000-05:00

Today is that magical day when thousands of gay uncles across America bring their "roommates" to dinner. Well, it's about time those ascot-wearing uncles who cook the best spinach-apricot appetizers let the rest of the family (who already knows) that they're gay. The other impeccably dressed man?

Lover. Not roommate.

Gay. Not sensitive.

Let's make Turkey Day = Coming Out Day.

Poofters all around

2007-11-21T10:20:00.000-05:00

All knowing blogger, Princess Sparkle Pony, reports this morning that one Mr. David Phillips has won his First Amendment battle with the Virginia DMV. Phillips -- known mostly as that guy who had sex with Larry Craig one time -- wanted to keep his "poofter," or "queer" in Britian, license plates that he's had for the past 10 years. And the Virginia government relented.

Here's Phillips celebratory remarks, according to the Princess:

VA DMV called this morning to back down. I had sent their generic plates back last week directly to the head of the DMV with a very strong letter regarding First Amendment rights. The new manager for Special Plates called to acknowledge receipt of the substitute plates and to orally declare the issue closed. As I told my office mate, don't fuck with a queen over 40 -- you will not win.

No word on whether Sen. Craig has also sent his congrats.

Sean Penn to play Harvey Milk

2007-11-20T15:46:00.000-05:00

Hollywood babdboy and paparazzi boxer Sean Penn will play gay-rights activist Harvey Milk in a bio-pic about the "Mayor of Castro."

No word yet on who gets to play the deranged assassin, Dan White. Or who gets to play his equally deranged lawyer, the one that invented the Twinkie Defense to prove White was not responsible for shooting two men in cold blood. Mmm. Twinkies.

Let's all just hope the White Night Riots stay in the film. And maybe Sen. Dianne Feinstein will make a cameo appearance. Maybe one not so tragic as in this movie, where she has to tell everyone that Milk and the mayor have been killed.

Gus Van Sant is set to direct.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

2007-11-19T16:34:00.000-05:00

In the new hate crime stats released by the FBI, it turns out at2 percent of hate crimes based on sexual orientation were committed against heterosexuals.

What?

Okay, okay. The other 98 percent were perpetuated against gays, lesbians and bisexuals -- no mention of transgenders here. And, let's be honest, can straight people really be victims of sexual-orientation based hate crimes?

Maybe when legal gay marriage ruins their lives.

Here are the quick stats from the FBI.

In 2006, law enforcement agencies reported 1,415 hate crime offenses based on sexual- orientation bias. Of these offenses:
62.3 percent were classified as anti-male homosexual biased.
20.7 percent were classified as anti-homosexual biased.
13.6 percent were classified as anti-female homosexual biased.
2.0 percent were classified as anti-heterosexual biased.
1.5 percent were classified as anti-bisexual biased.

Lest ye be judged

2007-11-16T11:50:00.000-05:00

A creepy Christian blogger just discovered that gays and lesbians not only love each other in hedonistic, amoral ways. Some of them love God, and not just in the weird Wicca/ Lesbian love for god with a little "g," but for the Jesus/ Moses/ Abraham/ George W. Bush/ Big "G" God.

He seems pretty furious that instead of resting from a crystal meth induced hangovers, some gays and lesbians want to go to church and even have their own BIBLE. It's okay when teenagers do it, but consenting adults looking for spiritual redemption? Fuck 'em.

It would be fine if he paid for the sex

2007-11-13T17:08:00.000-05:00

Larry Craig is officially gay.

Oops. I mean Larry Craig is officially a gay problem.

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force has decided to fight the Senate ethics investigation into Craig's now uber-infamous and uber-boring toe tap into history at an airport bathroom this year.

The NGLTF main man, Matt Foreman, wrote to Sens. John Cornyn, R-Texas, and Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., to protest the "seeming" hypocrisy between the senate reaction to Craig and to that of Louisiana's unimpressive Sen. David Vitter, who paid for the lady loving.

We are writing to state the inherent contradiction between your treatment of illegations of ethical misconduct by Senator Larry Craig and Senator David Vitter and to insist that you open an investigation into Sen. Vitter’s conduct. There is no explanation for the diametrically opposed responses to these two situations, other than hypocrisy tinged by homophobia. There are only two ways to resolve this: drop the investigation into Sen. Craig or investigate the allegations surrounding Sen. Vitter.

I'm sure Craig loves that the gay rights groups have embraced him like the reluctant, emotionally repressed orphan he sorta is. Or something.

Poofter.

Is that your wand, or are you just in the midst of an unnecessary coverage?

2007-11-13T10:18:00.000-05:00

Remember a few weeks ago when I said I wished people would stop talking about Dumblegore = gay? Well, they haven't. The BBC released a story today detailing the movie stars' views of J.K. Rowling's sort of strange announcement. Because, as we all know, Daniel Radcliffe is an expert on homosexuality in literature.

The coverage has been awkward at best. Even the NYT decided to take a who-gives-a-shit attitude, which actually seems slightly offensive and condescending but whatever (I mean, it matters a little).

Anyway, I think it's time we drop the whole story, lest intrepid 10-year-olds with access to the Intrawebz continue to post on every Web site ever. Pleeeeeaz?

Church-going lesbians run too slow

2007-11-13T10:05:00.000-05:00

That Episcopalian lesbian couple lost the Amazing Race reality show, but not before scaring the hell out of America (AP)

Finally, someone in Chicago says it is alright to be homosexual (Sun-Times)

Obligatory celebrity reaction story -- now with more Harry Potter (BBC)

Long Island queers conquer business (Newsday)

Just too harsh

2007-11-11T16:30:00.000-05:00

Parents in a Boston-area school district think a play about Matthew Shephard is too violent, though more likely it's just too gay (Wxii)

From Jack in drag, to Jake in the tent, EW celebrates gay milestones in film (EW)

Larry Craig might help push gay rights along even if he's in the closet (Queerty)

Being gay is boring? (Seattle Times)

Goodbye, goodbye

2007-11-09T10:09:00.000-05:00

The first openly gay man to serve on the president's AIDS advisory council died (Associated Press)

Dr. R. Scott Hitt, an AIDS specialist and the first openly gay person to head a presidential advisory board, has died. He was 49.

At leat 31 gay candidates won elections this year -- not even counting all of those closeted Republicans (Advocate)

Of the 71 gay and lesbian political candidates endorsed this year by the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, at least 31 were elected on Tuesday, and 10 others won races earlier this year, according to a press release from the political action group.

A non-transgender writer endorses ENDA, woooo! (Blade)

OF THE MANY arguments against the Employment Non-Discrimination Act — the version that doesn’t protect “gender identity” — the most puzzling and counter-intuitive one is that it doesn’t even protect gay people. This appeal to gays’ self-interest is unpersuasive. Not only does a gay-only ENDA protect gays, it offers limited protection to transgender people as well.

Apparently, the Brits don't understand hate speech, yet they're so good at it (Telegraph)

Opposing this legislation is not anti-gay. Rather, it is pro freedom of speech.

Sitting on it

2007-11-08T12:24:00.000-05:00

Allegedly -- ALLEGEDLY -- the LA Times is sitting on a story about a presidential candidate's sex scandal that could rock the '08 race. The paper has to make some very important ethical decisions about running the story and possibly changing the landscape of the next presidential election, that is, if they actually have a story.

Here are some wild and unproven theories about what it could be:

Obama Girl really is Obama's girl. And she has video to prove it.
Um. Hillary killed another ready-to-serve former intern. Or something.
Mitt Romney not only has multiple wives, but several of them aren't even Mormon. They're, like, Catholic.
John McCain has a Vietnamese love child living out in Arizona.
Fred Thompson's daughter is actually a stem-cell clone given to him by the fascist liberals running those secret labs under Planned Parenthoods across the country.
Dennis Kucinich keeps his wife's hotter, younger sister hidden away in his dungeon and thus, she is forced to pretend to love him.
Rudy is gay. Alright, that's not so much a shocker.

Slow news day

2007-11-08T10:34:00.000-05:00

A man convicted of beating a gay man to death will remain behind bars (Houston Chronicle)

The parole board said Wednesday that it rejected 33-year-old Jon Buice's bid for release. He has served about one-third of a 45-year sentence he was given after pleading guilty to murder.

Social conservatives hate science, especially when it proves them wrong (Science Daily)

Canadian scientists have uncovered new evidence which shows genetics has a role to play in determining whether an individual is homosexual or heterosexual.

An openly gay mayor in Michigan promises not to paint the town pink, rename it Cherville (Free Press)

The newly elected and openly gay mayor of Ferndale said being gay is no longer
an issue in city politics. His sexual orientation had little to do with his
campaign, said Craig Covey, 50, elected Tuesday with 54% of the vote.

I'm not your stepping stone

2007-11-07T21:49:00.000-05:00

Nancy Pelosi, Frank Barney and others rapped rhapsodic about the ENDA bill on the House floor today, before it was passed, as expected. And it lacked the historic protections for transgender employees. As expected.

Barney, one of two openly gay members of Congress, railed against some of the Republicans who challenged the bill over concerns it would lead to gay marriage. Or abortions. Or something. Barney decided to plead with the gay rights haters on a personal level.

Mr. Speaker, we say here that we don’t take things personally, and usually that’s true. Members, Mr. Speaker, will have to forgive me — I take it personally. 35 years ago, I filed a bill that tried to get rid of discrimination based on sexual orientation. As we sit here today, there are millions of Americans in states where this is not the law. By the way, 19 states have such a law. In no case has it led to that decision. The Massachusetts law passed in 1989, that did not lead to the decision in 2004, unrelated. But here’s the deal: I used to be someone subject to this prejudice. And through luck, circumstance, I got to be a big shot. I’m now above that prejudice. But I feel an obligation, to 15-year-olds dreading to go to school because of the torments, to people they’ll lose their job in a gas station if someone finds out who they love. I feel an obligation to use the status I have been lucky enough to get, to help them.

But Barney, what about all of the T's in LGBT?

Politics happened, of course. Frank and Pelosi deemed it more important to pass a bill with fewer protections than to put forth an exhaustive and highly symbolic bill with zilch chance of being passed. It's called incremental progress, baby steps toward what everyone wants: safeguards from unmerited discrimination.

Members of United ENDA have cried foul. Writing in the San Francisco Chronicle, John Newsome compared the watered down ENDA bill to Bill Clinton's about face in the mid-90s, when he abandoned the idea of allowing gays into the military and instead adopted a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy that, well, pissed A LOT of people off.

And though it would be, like, totally radical to actually pass a bill with the transgender protections in it, I have to go with Frank here. This isn't 'don't ask.' No one has abandoned the LGBT community here. In fact, they swallowed their pride to pass a bill that has a chance of making a difference.

Symbolism and inclusiveness and unity have a place in this fight. But so does real change. And until one can be workably reconciled with the other, it's the job of politicians to do what they can with what they can.

CBS and Logo to show gay newscast

2007-11-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

CBS News will begin producing a half-hour newscast for the Logo channel, starting next Monday at 7 p.m. It will focus on gay rights, HIV and AIDS and other stories important to the LGBT community. The newscast will be the culmination of several three-minute featurettes that CBS News made for Logo, which is also owned by CBS' parent company Viacom.

Who said media consolidation hurt the public?

Platypus Eggs

2007-11-07T11:31:00.000-05:00

Gay ... muslims? Gasp! What would the president of Iran say? (New York Times)

While other floats featured men dancing in leather Speedos or women with scant duct tape over their nipples, many Muslims were disguised behind big sunglasses, fezzes or kaffiyehs wrapped around their heads.

The ENDA drama never ends; HRC pushes transgenders in front of political train (AP)

A leading gay rights group changed course Tuesday to support a job discrimination bill even though it does not include transgender workers.

Michigan's dying auto industry inspires people to care about gay rights (Free Press)

In a case testing the limits of Michigan's marriage amendment, the state Supreme Court heard arguments Tuesday over whether the measure prohibits public agencies and schools from extending health care benefits to the same-sex partners of their employees.

How queers could save marriage

2007-11-06T10:20:00.000-05:00

Apparently, as divorce rates remain high (but not, like, super high) and marriage rates are dropping across the country, LGBT people are picking up the rainbow flag and coming to monogamy's rescue.

That's right. Monogamy. Look at these stats: the number of same-sex couples reporting themselves as “unmarried partners” has quintupled since 1990 from, and the number of same-sex couples increased 21 times faster than the U.S. population from 1990 to 2006.

Uh-oh. And the gays are not only conquering common-law marriage (though it's not it's legal yet or something), they're invading the South and the mountain states. East South Central states of Alabama, Kentucky, Mississippi and Tennessee saw a combined increase of 863 percent. Mountain states of Arizona, Colorado, Idaho, New Mexico, Montana, Utah, Nevada and Idaho had an increase of 698 percent.

Aaaaaah.

Atlanta, by the way, has one of the highest concentrations of same-sex couples in the country, behind San Francisco, Seattle, Minneapolis (wait, what?) and Washington D.C. -- yep, the LGBT couples now roam the nation's capital.

Morning cattle call

2007-11-06T10:03:00.000-05:00

Gay bashers pleaded out (New York Times)

Michael J. Sandy, 29, a designer from Williamsburg, was lured from his home to a secluded lot in Sheepshead Bay on Oct. 8, 2006. He was directed to a beach known as a meeting place for gay sex, then beaten and chased into traffic. He was struck by a car and later died of his injuries.

Malaysian police hate sodomy, gays (International Herald Tribune)

"Police found used condoms strewn all over the floor, seven tubes of lubrication jelly, 20 gay magazines, four pornographic VCDs and six boxes of new condoms ...."

A discharged flight nurse fights against 'Don't Ask' policy (Seattle Post Intelligencer)

Maj. Margaret Witt, 42, was suspended in 2004 after the Air Force received a tip that she had been in a long-term relationship with a civilian woman. She was honorably discharged last month, after having put in 18 years - two short of what she needed to receive retirement benefits.

He said, he said

2007-11-05T14:05:00.001-05:00

I wrote Marc Fisher one last e-mail before moving on. We have so much trouble doing that:

As per the Phillips story, my only concern would be that leaving out that information would seem (and I stress seem) tantamount to ignoring a "gay story": i.e, would that same latitude have been givento someone involved in a heterosexual story. Would you have, forinstance, published an innocuous story about Jessica Cutler during the initial outbreak of that story without mentioning her involvement in a sex scandal. I realize that the two cases have striking differences, specifically the ones that you mentioned but it still raisesquestions. Also, other bloggers have raised the issue of whether the government's reaction to his license plate (which had to be initiated by aresident, as I understand) could have anything to do with his claimsagainst Sen. Craig. They would be wrong in assuming -- as some have --that the reaction could have been initiated by Craig or someone in his office, etc. I think they would be right, however, in questioning if a citizen who knew of Phillips' claims might have seeked retribution, albeit in a sort of arbitrary and meaningless way.

Fisher fired right back. Well, not fired, really. He calmly answered -- wow, that sounds a lot less exciting:

You raise good points. One of them is easy: The state's move against the"poofter" license plate well predated Phillips' decision to tell anyone about his encounter with Craig, so there is no issue of the state potentially taking retaliatory action against Phillips. Your other point is of course harder and is the core of the question. Cutler doesn't work as ananalogy for me because there was corroborating evidence to her claims from the very start of her case; indeed, her decision to out her partner byusing their mutual communications is what pushed that story into the public arena and certainly into the mainstream press. In this case, we have only Phillips' word, which I am personally inclined to believe, but which does not rise to the level of publishable evidence, which is why no reputable outlet has published that story. I don't think the particular sexuality of the characters involved plays any role here...

Alright. Sounds fair, I suppose. Now all we have to do is prove Phillips' story. But who wants to spend all the time thinking about it?

Fisher's response

2007-11-05T13:43:00.001-05:00

Marc Fisher sent me this e-mail:

Thanks for your note. Yes, I spoke to Mr. Phillips at some length aboutthat and of course saw the various blogs that have been taking up his storyabout his encounter with Sen. Craig. I originally thought about includingthat as an aside to the license plate story, but decided against it becauseit's really pretty far afield from what I was writing about and would havetaken too much space to explain the background of the Craig situation. Inaddition, because Phillips' claim about Craig is obviously not somethingthat can be corroborated, and because it took place so long ago, theredidn't seem to be any value added for readers to insert that in adiscussion about the constitutionality and speech issues surrounding vanitylicense plates. In general, I try to err in the direction of fulldisclosure; in this instance, the Craig story was just too distinct anddifferent from the Poofter issue to be anything but a distraction.I'd be interested in hearing a good argument in the other direction. Thanksfor reading the column.

Timeline Update

2007-11-05T12:59:00.000-05:00

Princess Sparkle Pony, the all-knowing Wonketter who broke the sort-of infamous Larry Craig/ hairy guy story -- see below for links -- said on the blog that the WP interviewed Phillips weeks before any of those sordid details (and the worst mental picture of our lives) leaked out. Leaked. Gross.

That might help Marc Fisher's case. He was most certainly unaware at the time of the interview and pushed the story through several weeks later without revisiting much of the material. It might be lazy, but it would not have been unethical or biased.

All I can do is wait for a response and wonder what would have happened if someone had ran a story about, oh say, the D.C. madam or one of her "escorts" in an unrelated story and had not mentioned their involvement in a steamy (ugh) sex scandal.

Isn't he the guy that ...

2007-11-05T10:48:00.000-05:00

Marc Fisher, Washington Post metro columnist, recently wrote about a burly, bearded gay man whose license plate -- poofter -- would be revoked after the state decided it was offensive. By the way, poofter is British slang for "queer."

States have difficulty in deciding what should be considered appropriate self-expression and what is downright dirty, offensive or hateful. As Fisher notes, a federal judge in Missouri protected one man's right to drive around (presumably in a Confederate-flagged pickup truck) with "ARYAN-1" on the plates. But two women in Alexandria were denied the right to print "2DYKES" on their car.

So discrimination based on race is fine, but self-expression of lesbians is just out of the question. Or something.

By the way, any government review of a previously issued plate must come from a citizen complaint, so apparently after 11 years driving around with poofter on his tail, someone either figured out what the word meant or, more likely, thought it was some sort of scatological reference (courts upheld the prohibition against scat words, since they do not constitute a valid point of view -- says them).

What the Post did not mention in all the mustachioed madness is that Phillips recently proclaimed on Wonkette that he had rather disgusting and dissapointing sex with Idaho Sen. Larry Craig.

Whoops.

I wonder how the Post could have missed something like that? Or, did they just ignore it? For those of you outside the Beltway, Wonkette isn't just another blog. They've broken stories before, including the Washingtonienne scandal. For her work, the former editor of Wonkette, Ana Maria Cox, was hired by Time Magazine.

I sent Marc Fisher an e-mail to find out why this baring-it-all bear's full backstory wasn't included in the article. Check back for updates.

I can't say it any better -- Balance, Shmalance

2007-11-04T19:22:00.000-05:00

All journalists struggle with the idea of giving equal play to opposing sides of an argument. Not because we agree or disagree with one side or because we have such distaste for enabling public dialog. No, that's not it. The question (i.e. the problem) lies in the doctrine that says, for a story to be fair, both sides of the argument need equal coverage. Okay. That sounds fine in theory, but in practice, it causes all sorts of coverage fiascoes.

Does the one irate man at the City Council meeting merit as many inches as the dozens of attendees who disagree with him. Are we creating balance where it didn't exist before? And if we are, how in the hell do we decide how much coverage something deserves? Who gets to say that one side is more important than the other without reverting to the kind of partisan journalism we all abhor so much?

In a new piece on Poynter, Cindi E Deutschman-Ruiz details some of those problems, specifically in writing and reporting on LGBT issues. She contrasts coverage with that of race issues. She's right in pointing out that we would never write about once race being better than the other today, as we do with sexuality. But she's missing one of the key points.

...at some point along the line, the concept of racial equality stopped being a point of view in this country and became a generally accepted truth instead.

Here's the problem with following that logic to the next step (which, on its surface, seems entirely plausible): that journalists should not have to balance things that are not actually equal, that we should not have to arbitrarily designate two sides to complex and nuanced issues or continue to give space to those who are, essentially, hate mongers.

But the prejudice and discrimination against LGBT people does not exist in one geographic area, or one political party or any other people or place that can be pointed at as the example of where ideology and dogma went too far. It's everywhere, I hate to say. America has not yet reached a place where sexual equality is a generally accepted truth and it's not going to anytime soon.

She is correct in her more general wish, that we stop treating every side of an issue as equal and indispensable.

I can’t endorse the current system. I think it’s disingenuous and just plain wrong.

What abandoning false balance would mean in the daily practice of journalism -- what kinds of ripple effects it might have -- are questions I don’t pretend to be able to answer.

I don't think anyone could say. But it would certainly be interesting.

Year in Review

2007-11-03T23:18:00.000-04:00

CBS News will present a one-hour special report on the Logo Channel, a.k.a. the "gay channel," in December, rehashing the biggest LGTB-related stories of the year. (They left off all the stories about how the gays are ruining America/ destroying marriage/ brainwashing children. Maybe next year.) Here's the list that the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association sent out to its members to choose from:

A. Larry Craig Bathroom Sex Sting Scandal
B. San Diego Mayor Supports Same Sex Marriage/Cries at News Conference
C. ENDA Controversy
D. JK Rowling Says Dumbledore Is Gay
E. Rosie Leaves The View
F. Ann Coulter Attacks John Edwards/Mrs. Edwards Fires Back
G. Grey's Anatomy F-word Controversy At The Golden Globes/TR Knight vs. Isaiah Washington
H. Mary Cheney Gives Birth
I. Ft. Lauderdale Mayor Naugle Comes Under Fire For Comments Over Public Bathrooms
J. Joint Chiefs Chairman Peter Pace Calls Homosexuality Immoral
K. Transgender Susan Stanton/Fired From City Manager Job
L. Logo Presidential Forum
M. President of Iran Says There Are No Homosexuals In His Country
N. Ellen's Dog
O. Gay Pride Violence/Protests Around the World
P. Gays on Primetime TV (Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives)
Q. Elizabeth Edwards Supports Same-Sex Marriage

I wonder which story about a homosexual senator doing the Charleston with an undercover cop in an airport bathroom will top the charts? Anyway, let's at least have a real contest for second place.

My vote, goes for this guy, the San Diego mayor who cried at a press conference. He was upset, if you haven't watched it, because he had planned to sign one more piece of anti-gay legislation but changed his mind at the last minute because of the LGBT members of his family. It's raw and real and this guy clearly went through some soul-searching before the whole cry-fest. We need more of these politicians (even Republican) -- the ones who actually consider the consequences of their actions.

And to show, I'd say the ENDA Controversy -- not so much because it's about Gay Rights (I mean, Jesus, sometimes it seems like everything is about gay rights) but because it gives the LGBT Community some depth and nuance that most people don't recognize. (For some great, inside-the-beltway coverage, check the Washington Blade.) Surprise, surprise. The gays don't always agree with the trangenders. And we're all sometimes a little spooked by the lesbians.

As far as my vote for "Holy shit can you please remove this story from the list before I start punching holes in my computer monitor," it's a 3-way tie: Dumbledore's gay, Rosie quit and Ellen cried or wore something other than that classic pants suit/ gym shoes combination. Please. Celebrities move around. Yes, Rosie got into a fight with Lizzy Hasselback before the transition, but it happens.

And Ellen? Even she says Puppygate has lasted a little too long for her taste. A talk-show host saying something went too far. Dammit people. Drop it.

And while we're on the subject, could we maybe pick some new mascots for the whole gay community other than two show-hosting lesbians? They don't represent us all.

Oh, right. Dumbledore. I don't have a good reason to leave that off the list, other than I'm tired of Harry Potter.

Change in Content

2007-11-03T23:12:00.000-04:00

Not that too many people read this anyway, but I will be testing a new theme for the page: namely, working as a young, out reporter. Who knows what might happen.

Mr. Personal Phone Call

2007-11-02T14:00:00.000-04:00

You have no children. You do not have a wife, a girlfriend, an ailing mother/ father/ aunt/ grandmother. You don't even have sick pets. You don't have pets at all.

And yet, there you are. Leaning back, laughing, chatting loudly with your unemployed friends from back home who have all the time in the world to update you on all the hookups of all the other unemployed people who never left town.

And there's always this part of the conversation:

"Yeah, it's fine. No, really. I'm just at work."

No wonder everyone hates our generation.

Drag racing without the racism

2007-10-31T10:46:00.000-04:00

Men.

Dresses.

Skirts.

Pumps.

Stilletos.

Angel wings.

Bouffant.

Princess Diana with security.

Princess Jasmine with Moulan.

Slightly uncomfortable heterosexuals trying to be progressive.

Amazing.

While You Were Waiting (for Congress to do something about the war)

2007-10-23T10:52:00.000-04:00

You say you want another squabble on the House floor that doesn't actually pertain to passing bills but, instead, tries to censor (and censure) the press, private organizations and members of Congress for airing their views about the war in Iraq?

You got it.

Today, House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, will try to censure Democrat Rep. Pete Stark, D-Ca., for saying something "despicable" during a debate on SCHIP.

"You don't have money to fund the war or children. But you're going to spend it
to blow up innocent people if we can get enough kids to grow old enough for you
to send to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the President's amusement.”

What a bastard. How dare he imply that Congress should fund a program that provides health care for children whose family makes above the federal poverty line but not enough to afford quality (re: preventative) health insurance.

Boehner goes on in his letter, saying Stark:

"engaged in personally abusive language toward the President and Members of
the House, including the use of language that impugns their motives.Whereas, the Member from Califoria, Mr. Clark dishonors not only the Commander-in-Chief, but the thousands of courageous men and women of America’s armed forces who believe in their mission and are putting their lives on the line for our freedom and security."

This will leave so little time for Congress to debate Coke versus Pepsi. Oh well, another day.

All the news not fit for print

2007-10-18T13:47:00.000-04:00

Check out my story about the Funniest Celebrity in Washington contest last night. The story had to be, ahem, censored a bit to remove jokes about the Jews, paraplegics, lesbian terrorists and allegedly homosexual senators. So, I decided to post some of those jokes here, instead.

WARNING: The following jokes are entirely inappropriate and/or not entirely funny. Be aware.

Joseph Randazzo, assistant editor of The Onion and last night's
champion:

"I would like to thank the Jewish cabal that secretly controls the media:
Oprah, Katie Couric, Bill O'Reilly, Steven Speilberg and that guy who works
at the bagel shop on Sullivan Street."
"Only in America can the son of a senator grow up to be the father of a president, whose brother is a governor ... only in America."
"I didn't get to do the bit about how lesbians are responsible for 9/11."

Matt Cooper, the Washington editor of Portfolio and former (?) confidante of Karl "The Comedy Killer" Rove

"Congress is going to pass a resolution denouncing Henry VIII."
"Larry Craig should have just said, 'I just love cock.'"

David Korn, the Nation

"Hillary should not be saying anything about messes in the Oval Office."
"When it comes to pulling out, a woman knows best."

Ana Marie Cox, former Wonketter and now at Time.com

"He's a real come from behind kind of guy." -- Craig, obviously.
"Giuliana promises to outlaw abortions -- in the Oval Office. And, and, the waiting period for gay marriage will be longer than the waiting period for a gun."
"I never get in a car with a drunk driver unless he's wearing a condom." -- in reference to former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee's comment that safe sex is like drunken driving
"Then what is unprotected sex like?"
"I think Hillary knows all about loose meat." -- too long to explain.
"Print's not dead. Print is a grouchy, sick old man. If it were dead, someone would be collecting on its insurance and actually profiting from it. Print just wishes it were dead." -- speculation on the fate of the print media

T-Ball

2007-10-17T13:36:00.000-04:00

This just in: Larry Craig says he's not gay.

After watching the hour-long interview that Matt Lauer conducted with Sen. Larry Kraig, R-Idaho, I can say that I probably know less than I did before. Lauer had him. Right there. He could have asked him anything. He could have stared the senator down and asked him "Why would anyone believe what you've told us?" or maybe "Why don't you just admit that you're a homosexual" or even "Your story in no way reflects the police report or what you said immediately after the arrest."

No. Nope. Not even close.

Instead, the infotainer asked him if his kids had "tough questions" for Craig after they heard the news or how Suzanne Craig felt after hearing the news from her husband two months after the initial arrest in the airport bathroom.

Well, she was sad. Or something, I stopped listening soon after. We've heard their sob story before. I'm not gay. My husband loves me. Of course I randomly picked a restroom known as a gay-sex hotspot and performed the necessary actions to invite such an act in a public restroom. But, seriously, I'm not gay.

Lauer gets some credit for asking the senator if he's actually bisexual. Not great journalism. But funny.

Come on, Matt. There's softball and then there's T-ball. Next time, why don't we have Larry Craig ask the questions, that might make it a little less awkward for you.

Little solar house on the Mall

2007-10-15T15:58:00.000-04:00

Don't look for discarded beer cans in these houses.

This week, the Solar Decathlon continues, with 20 teams from around the world -- though mostly just the United States and Europe -- competing to build the most attractive and efficient solar-powered house.

The houses have a futuristic, simplistic beauty to them, a mix of cutting-edge design and breathtaking technology -- some of the houses require less electricity than a standard hairdryer -- that fuses into something altogether different.

Remember, these houses are the size of trailers, that mobile testament to a white-trash kind of life. And, while the resident of those sad shacks have become known for wasteful, indulgent practices, these 650 sq. ft. homes do just the opposite.

I'm happy to report, after touring all but two of the homes, that I would opt to live in any of them given the choice. Standing in the living of the University of Darmstadt house, there is a palpable sense of moving forward, of finally fixing some of the country's energy woes that demand so much of our national attention.

And let me say that I'm not a reporter often moved by what I cover. I'm more of the cynic type, especially in this town. But sometimes it's hard not to look at something and say, "Wow. This is the future."

Feeding Time

2007-10-12T16:38:00.000-04:00

For the map-clutching, fanny-packed, nametagged, sunburnt, confused groups of tourists that flood the subway on the weekends before flocking to the National Mall, Washington stands as a pearly white testament to all that America has accomplished.

There's Washington's obelisk, Lincoln resting in the shade, Jefferson pondering near the Potomac, the sombre Vietnam Wall, the sometimes overwhelming Smithsonian buildings and, of course, the Capitol and the White House.

That's about it. I sometimes think tourists imagine Washington as a large field with important historical monuments on each end. It would certainly be easier for them to find their way.

It's not.

I'm not just talking about the seedier landmarks, like Rock Creek Park, the site of Chondra Levy's unfortunate end or those soulful spots like Adams Morgan.

No, I'm talking about the homeless people. The horde of them. And yes, they constitute a horde.

Before you start accusing me of being anti-homeless, let me just say that I'm anti-poverty (in the good way, not the shuttle poor people out of town way). I'm not afraid they'll stab/ rob/ pee/ or otherwise hurt or irritate me. They ask for money. I say no. Life goes on.

Homeless people are all over town, especially near Metro stops. The image of 30 homeless men gathered around McPherson Square waiting for a truck to bring them food does not exactly fit into the standard image of D.C.

Anyway, my point is this: tourists block escalators, stand in large groups near doorways, ask anyone and everyone with a briefcase how to get to the Washington monument (which you can see from almost anywhere downtown) and just generally stress the town out with their by-the-minute schedules and inability to maintain them.

Homeless people just ask for money.

An open letter to my phone that fell into the D.C. sewer system,

2007-10-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

I know what you’re going to say. You think this is all my fault. Just because when I dropped you and you rolled into the sewer, I never moved.

Well. I’m sorry.

I don’t have those kind of motor skills, okay. You were rolling under the drain, I was wearing my new jeans. “Our” friends didn’t help either. They laughed.

I know you’re upset that I had to leave you down there. But I tried. Really. Tried. I called the police, I asked those people at the hotel. No one would come. What was I supposed to do? Climb down into the sewer? You knew from Day 1 we didn’t have the sort of relationship.

I’m sure by now you’ve heard that I have a new, shiny, thinner phone with better reception and more features. That just happened. I went to see the new phone, one thing lead to another and I wound up taking him home to meet my roommate. And my parents love him.

I hope that you can try to understand what it was like for me, on the other side of the sewer. I might not have been wet or covered in filth, but I felt bad. Really. Bad.

Well. I guess that’s that. My new phone and I have plans tonight. He has some cool new ringtones that I want to hear.

And, I hate to say this, but if you find your way out of the sewer, don’t come home. There’s no room for you here anymore. I moved your charger to make way for the new one.

We’ll always have texting. Just don’t actually send me a text, okay? I don’t want my new phone to be involved in this.

Mr. Literate from Moderate Distances

2007-09-02T02:25:00.001-04:00

You've met them. You've been bothered by them. You've probably snickered at them and/ or told them to stop.

Hell, you might even be one of them.

You know, those people who insist on reading every sign (aloud) as you drive or walk down the street.

"Xin Huan Chinese."

"A Starbucks."

"Hey, there's another Starbucks."

"Hm. Railroad Tavern and Restaurant."

Here's the thing, Mr. Literate from Modest Distances: I can read. And, by gosh, I know how to do it silently.

The worst, however, is Mr. Literate's louder, more obnoxious cousin, Mr. Clever from Moderate Distances (the whole family really gets under my skin.) Mr. Clever not only reads each and every sign, no matter how normal ("Laundry!"), but he tries to insert some clever reference or joke into it. ("We should totally go overflow some washers, etc, etc.")

Just, stop it. Stop it right now. If you can't think of a way to continue the conversation, don't rely on random street signs for inspiration, because it doesn't work. And we hate it. We hate it a lot.

Appreciate a pause once in a while. People might invite you out again.

Fresh Squeezed

2007-09-02T01:50:00.000-04:00

For tonight's post, let me add a bit of pretension. An introduction in the form of an excerpt from a poem. That I wrote. About a girl. That I was pseudo-dating. Anyway. Here goes.

Someone, maybe my grandmother, once told me
When life hands you lemons
You smile, kindly, and make lemonade
I think that's bullshit
I think if life hands you lemons
You storm up to the counter and demand apples or oranges
Unless you really like lemons

I was thinking of this poem -- not because of the girl -- but because I've been trying, futilely, to decide what spending a summer in Erie meant to me in the grander scheme/ big picture/ "What did it all mean"/ crying in the rain and yelling at the heavens sort of way.

Part of the summer's identity crisis emerged my last day of work at ETN. All of the interns wrote these end-of-summer notes to the newsroom about how much they learned: writing leads (I'm so much better now), interviewing sources (I really asked the tough questions) and how they didn't know what "real journalism" was until they came to Erie, Pennsylvania.

Right.

I wanted to write everyone and thank them for teaching me to chew food before swallowing and showing me, time and again, how to tie my shoes. But, of course, I didn't. I just wrote something to the extent of "Thanks, etc." Honestly. It was that boring.

I tried to think of something clever/ witty/ memorable to say that would perfectly sum up my 10 weeks at the paper. Until a reporter asked me why I decided to leave after three weeks. Oh, and he had his hand in the box of doughnuts I bought. Any sentimental attachment quickly went blue in the face and died. Because I strangled it.

So, beyond, the cheerful and rather nebulous line on my resume full of assertive verbs and journalist lingo, what did these 10 weeks mean? That's when I thought of the poem and lemonade and punching out a grocery clerk. Though not exactly in that order.

Was Erie a lemon? Did I make lemonade? Does this metaphor still hold up after all these years?

I'm not sure. Erie never inspired an epiphany or a self-discovery. It didn't do much, actually. It was a job and an apartment, a few close friends and some crazy memories of a 4-year-old who could dance with the best of 'em and some late, late nights.

Mad, Mad World

2007-08-13T22:58:00.000-04:00

My niece and my dad have this game they play -- sometimes to the chagrin of the other adults in the room. He leans down to her level, smiling, says, "Jada, POW! Right to the moon," and fake sucker punches her.

She never grows tired of it. They'll play that game off and on for hours, to the point where the game has faded, as has my dad's energy, and it's just a jubilant child scrambling around the room, yelling "POW!" and giggling and laughing.

Four-year-olds have little sense of repetition. Jada will watch the same movie a dozen times. It doesn't matter. Children don't have much concept of time. That's why they're always late, no matter what it is. The other reason: Cable TV cartoons.

But she picks up on patterns. She understands that Event A links to Effect A and so on and so on. She's smart enough to connect the dots -- occasionally in a logic that has a sort of simple brilliance to it.

Her father has been in Iraq, since the spring. Jarvis is a Marine. He has been ever since I've known him, when he married my cousin in '99. (You might be asking, "Wait, I thought you said she was your niece?" Well, legally, she's my second cousin. But for practical purposes, she was, is and always will be my niece.)

The two of them started building a life. Jarvis and Nikki (Ada). They started the great journey toward middle class security: an apartment. A cat. A dog.

No one I can recall spoke of children. This was probably because she's white and he's —GASP— black. I had no idea at the time how simultaneously important and irrelevant something like that could be. I just wondered what their kids would like that.

Now I realize that question was on everyone else's mind, too. Sort of. I was thinking of the genetic, physical child. Would it be black? White? Mocca? Chocolate? I think the rest of the family saw it in a more abstract manner. It wasn't about the color of their children; it was about the color of their lives. Would it be cookie cutter suburban White? Would it be urban? Could they straddle them both?

Then again, one uncle could see nothing besides skin color. He damned Jarvis based on it. The pot calling the kettle black? Actually, it was more like the convicted white felon calling the upstanding black man evil.

And never seeing the irony. They never do.

But the Andersons had obstacles. The military transferred him to Japan and, to avoid staying for several more years, she stayed behind in Ohio. It was tragic, in a way I didn't understand then, a way I'm just beginning to grasp now.

They had their first child, Jada, in 2003. She was this blob of moving and crying parts, like a doll come to life. She entered the world, oblivious of the family celebrating her birth. And of the family quietly ignoring her. She was, of course, the product of something unnatural and vile, a biracial couple. She was the great-granddaughter of a woman who refused to acknowledge her for quite some time, the same way she refused to speak Jarvis' name after the marriage.

Jarvis returned from abroad. The world rejoiced.

The new family moved to Virginia, right outside of Washington. He had an office job, and she worked for a doctor. They had made it; they'd found their security in the heart of the nation's capitol.

But he was a Marine and the country was already in one war while preparing for God knows how many more. It was almost inevitable. Before that, though, the family uprooted again and moved to North Carolina.

And Jada started to grow. We needed new pictures every few months: Halloween, birthdays, Easter, Christmas. The picture in my wallet kept changing. The picture in my head of a rambunctious rascal intent on savoring every last drop of attention never did.

As I said, Jarvis left for Iraq (not by choice). Nikki locked up the house in North Carolina and moved back (temporarily) to Dayton, where they live now.

And what I said before about Jada's simple brilliance: she once asked if they could go back to their North Carolina home. To see her daddy.

If only it were really that simple.

Single white male

2007-07-31T21:15:00.000-04:00

I've been six feet away from a total stranger for the past six weeks. We pass each other in the hall, bump into each other in the kitchen, watch the same TV show and frequently park next to each other and walk into the apartment together.

But all in silence.

Sure, there's the nod, the half wave, the mutual laughter at "Scrubs." But there's no dialogue, no understanding, no underlying sense of friendship unspoken. There's just awkwardness.

And plenty of it.

I'll admit, that a lot of it can be traced back to me. After two or three days living together, I noticed three details that said, "He and I shan't be friends."

He told me he's not a "going out kinda guy."
He's into motorcycles.
I couldn't remember his name.

The first two aren't necessarily character faults, just inconveniences. He could just as easily been into salsa dancing or country music or Ingmar Bergman, any of which I might have tolerated, in small doses. But, no, he was Mr. Man from Michigan who spent money on a motorcycle even though he could only drive it two to three months out of the year (his admission) and despite the fact it made him less, not more cool (my assertion).

The third detail, I'll admit, is entirely my fault. I guess I decided in my head that his name was Kevin or Ryan or something like that. Anyway, I spent the first week avoiding any direct contact. I think when I moved in that I was more concerned with the unpacking/ relocating/ reinventing scenario than remembering specifics about the Wisconsin-sounding louse on the couch.

I mean. I forgot.

Top 10 Lessons from the Weekend

2007-07-29T22:52:00.000-04:00

1. If you're not willing to watch a child without the aid of a leash, you shouldn't have one.

2. A Wendy's in another country is still just a Wendy's.

3. Southern women will make friends with anyone and everyone in a ten-foot radius if you leave them alone for a minute.

4. Canadians don't appreciate being made fun of in their own country.

5. That being said, Canadians take a long time to run a cash register.

6. Kris Kristoferson acts terribly.

7. You never, ever pack the map. It stays in the car. At all times.

8. Native Americans can rock out.

9. It is not OK for a non-Native American to rock out with Native Americans.

10. Grandparents initiate sappy moments at every possible juncture.

The Mute-It Agreement

2007-07-27T21:33:00.000-04:00

With Grandma, come a few rules.

No radio. No CDs. In fact, no music at all. No talking about drinking, partying, politics, religion and, especially, homosexuality.

Laugh at her jokes. Smile at her stories. And, for God's sake, don't argue when she complains about those "men holding hands on the beach."

When Grandma visits, appeasement is the rule of the land. We all tiptoe through conversations, often quietly laughing to ourselves or shooting glances to other in-the-know family members. Then again, sometimes, we're slowly rotting from the inside.

Sometimes. And probably just me.

I often wonder what we're afraid of happening. I used to think she'd reach out for the nearest tree branch and slap us across the face just before a lengthy, nay, very lengthy sermon about drinking/ smoking/ voting for Hillary Clinton. Pick your poison.

Perhaps, she'd toss one of those looks, the ones that say she's angered but also distressed, bothered, saddened. The one that says she has her values, and she won't budge, but that she's afraid of pushing away any more members of a slowly thinning out family.

Thus, we compromise, we appease.

Appeasement, after all, is a popular way to avoid confrontation. Wait, let me rephrase that. It's a popular way to delay confrontation. Remember Chamberlain ... 1938 ... Munich ... Hitler's unopposed conquest of a nation?

Remember the crowds cheering the British diplomat outside Downing Street when he returned, claiming "I believe it is peace for our time."

Ah. In our time.

It's not about avoiding confrontation or soothing Grandma's fragile ideals, per se. It's about protecting ourselves right here, right now. From awkwardness, a cold shoulder, even war.

So I'll keep the car silent and hide the liquor bottles and sigh sheepishly when she points out a table of women sitting next to us at the seafood joint. For now.

Jokes before judgment

2007-07-26T17:29:00.000-04:00

From my post at the In-Turn blog at GoErie.com

Something about the Thomas J. Maciulewicz Jr. case struck a chord with me.

And, before you ask, it’s not the part about theft.

It’s the way some McDowell High School Students responded — T-shirts and Facebook groups, including “My high school principle (sic) is going to prison.”

Clever.

It reminds me of my attempt at a snarky rebuke toward another authority figure behaving badly. This time, it was the Ohio University football coach, who, in December 2005, was found passed out against the steering wheel of his car, pointing the wrong way on a one-way road. He was charged with an OVI, and, to add to the embarrassment, later claimed that he had been drugged while downing margaritas at a favorite OU nightspot.

A judge rejected that defense, as did most of the embarrassed Athenians watching the production unfold.

Dozens of Facebook groups popped up afterward, including one created by a friend called “OU Students for Buying Frank Solich a Bus Pass.” The sale of “Frank the Tank” T-shirts skyrocketed. The new OU mascot even earned the name “Rufus” during a student vote. “Rufus,” as in “roofie,” as in GHB. The drug that the still-employed football coach claimed fell into his one of many drinks that night.

Administrators spread the word that it was in honor of Rufus Putnam, one of the OU founders. Sorry, guys.

At the time, I thought it an appropriate way to express a collective disappointment with the former Cornhusker coach. That is, until discussions turned to my father’s accident 10 years ago, when a 62-year-old drunk woman roared out of a parking lot down the road from our house and smashed into the driver side of his teal Sundance, sending the rearview mirror into his face.

“Drunk driving,” as a friend said, “Isn’t funny.”

She was right. Instead of seeing the football coach situation for what it was — despicable, outrageous — we laughed it off as just another punch line, just one more clever Facebook group, sandwiched between those advocating for a new Mexican restaurant and those lamenting that, “When I was your age, Pluto was a planet.”

And, here, it’s happened again.

I mean, what did people really feel when they heard that a principal stole from a school? Rage? Frustration? Disillusionment?

I guess I can’t say what an “appropriate” response to the McDowell debacle would have been.
I’m just pretty sure it should not have been laughter.

Southern fried tradition

2007-07-26T17:23:00.000-04:00

From my column at the Erie Times-News

At some point in the 1960s, my mother's family -- Mom, Dad and six children -- left their Virginia home in the heart of Appalachia for someplace more metropolitan in search of a better life. Grandma waved goodbye to the farm (Grandpa had moved a few months earlier) to the tract of land that other family members shared and moved to Dayton, Ohio. (a snap of a Southern meal)

But trust me, they brought Virginia with them.

I grew up noticing the little things: the twang with which my Grandma said "wrench" instead of "rinse," the dutiful gardening of her blackberries, the annual predawn trip to pick strawberries, the way my mother's accent would creep back when she spent too much time with the relatives and, of course, the food.

Fresh, clean, wholesome. My grandmother's kitchen evaded the tide of insta-bake, microwaves and dining out. If she knew of health fads, she ignored them, keeping the lard next to the stove until a few years ago.

My mother, in turn, raised my sister and me to appreciate fresh foods. Corn just tastes better after an hour of shucking. Mashed potatoes have more taste when they're not from a box. Fruit from a farmer's market looked better than the piles at grocery stores.

Home-cooked meals were just that, created from (mostly) scratch, not reheated or microwaved. It was about flavor, not convenience.

Now, I live on my own, and I can't say that I always follow my family's advice. I'd rather nuke something boxy-looking than spend an hour concocting the perfect meal. But I still appreciate the good stuff. It's just that I haven't found the good stuff -- yet.

Yes, I know that every Thursday, vendors sell fresh items at Griswold Park, but that's only for a few months during the workday.

I have to wonder: What about the waterfront? Part of the image I have of coastal towns is an open-air market by the bay, where locals and tourists can purchase fresh fish or fruits and vegetables or even Erie-made souvenirs.

When two other interns and I visited Pittsburgh this past weekend, the Strip District fascinated me. Vendors sold fresh food in little stores dotting what was formerly an industrial district.

I know that if I could stop by a market on my way home from work during the week, I would.

It'd make my family proud.

Harry Potter and the National Monument

2007-07-24T13:58:00.000-04:00

All I had planned to do this weekend was visit Washington D.C., see a few monuments, snap some pictures, spend time with friends and visit the neighborhood I will be living in once I move in August.

That, and read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows from cover to cover.

The three-day jaunt and the eight-hour read are not entirely unrelated; at least in my mind. They are both products of my inability to wait, to be patient, to enjoy this moment without constantly contemplating that moment. It’s either a character flaw or boredom.

I visited D.C. partially to see the new neighborhood, the next place on my list before I eventually return to Ohio. I read Harry Potter in two days because I could not put the book down (I would have finished it in one day if I had not been sick).

Both exhilarated me and, at the same time, left me disappointed. The trip raised my hopes for living in Washington — it’s a nice neighborhood with easy access to the metro and I shouldn’t have too much trouble getting in and out of town. The book, meanwhile, satisfied my curiosity. It ended the story that I loved in an imaginative and near-perfect way.

And yet, as I sit here, I know that I still have to spend another month in Erie, which has looked more and more drab since I returned — partly the weather and partly that this-isn’t-Washington feel. And the series, for all intents, has ended. I have no more Harry Potter books to look forward to.

Maybe I’ll savor the time that I have left with friends and co-workers that I’ve met. Maybe I’ll simply let go of Harry Potter. Maybe.

I’ll probably find a televised substitute and waste away the last few weeks discovering a new fictitious world.

An Ode to Jazz the Fallen

2007-07-19T17:18:00.000-04:00

Like a lot of the older cartoons, I remember Transformers as a moral and heroic struggle against Megatron and his evil Deceptacons. I sneered at Starscream, cheered for Optimus and laughed at Jazz. But I was never really "into" the cartoon. I remember as much of it as I remember from Voltron and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles -- namely the toys that came along with the shows.

Then a new Transformers appeared, with a new look, new characters and a darker tone than its squeaky clean predecessor. The show, Beast Wars, ran each morning at 6:30 a.m., the perfect time for a teenager to watch TV while I got ready for school. That show probably kept me from being tardy two or three times a week.

It was one of the first shows where the good guys didn't always win -- in fact, they often lost spectacularly and not because the bad guys cheated, but because the heroes had their own flaws. Apparently, the few characters was an accident that came about because it would have cost too much to have more characters digitally animated.

It worked.

Each character had a distinct personality, they were robots with souls, with senses of humor, failings and strengths. It engrossed me, I followed the three-season series as closely as I could.

And then last night, I went to see the new Transformers movie. The best thing I can say is that it's a series of computer generated action sequences loosely strung together by the best efforts of Shia LeBoeuf. Michael Bay surely must have spent all of his money convincing the voice actor behind the original Optimus to return for this movie.

It lacked that overwhelming sense of heroism from the first series and the character development from the second. It made poor use of some talented actors (John Turturro, Jon Voight) and of some not-so talented actors (cough-Tyrese-cough).

For a movie tagged "More than meets the eye," it was anything but.

Hard hat area

2007-07-17T20:28:00.000-04:00

"Do I need to wear a hard hat," I asked as I hiked over a pile of copper wiring and piping strewn across the dirt.

"No," he said. "At least, I don't think so."

He seemed unsure. And he was wearing a hard hat himself. But he sauntered past, pointing at the hundreds of holes in the ground, explaining the environmentally friendly construction plans.

My mind was more focused on not tripping in the ten-foot hole to my right and avoiding the trucks on my left.

At last, the project manager stopped in front a crumbling brick wall. He started explaining the unique aspects of the construction, how it’s environmentally friendly and progressive and a step forward in the “green” building movement.

Then, it rained.

My cheap, blue-ink pen seeped all over my notebook, as I subtly hinted that we should move under some cover so we could keep discussing the project.

“I’m sorry, what were you saying about the geo-thermal systems?” I said, my mind snapping back to attention.

“Well…” he spoke, but I missed it again. I just stared when he popped an umbrella that was in his briefcase and held it above his head, which was already protected by a hard hat.

Partway into his speech about recycled floor tiles, he noticed the architect standing with the foremen across the yard. He led me through the obstacle course again, though this time, in dodging some wood planks, my right foot squished in mud.

“Oops,” the project manager said. “I should have warned you about that.”

Crying all the way to the second row

2007-07-16T11:26:00.000-04:00

From my post on the In-Turn blog at GoErie.com

When another intern and I decided to see the newest Harry Potter film Wednesday, I could barely restrain my enthusiasm. I’d spent the last week editing stories about Potter mania and now, I had a chance to watch it for myself.

I arrived, late as usual, I sprinted in, found fellow intern (and self-described “huge nerd”) Andy Boyle and strode to get a seat in the theater, particularly after I learned that attendants had started sitting people more than an hour before.

We found two seats and then, fortunately, two better seats. But as the movie began, I heard a sound I am not accustomed to: a crying child. It started as a dull whine, with the sporadic spike of high-pitched whimpering.

It bothered me. A lot. I’ve spent the last few years in a college town, with an approximate age range of 18 to 23 with a few dozen 40- to 80-year-olds.

No children, just some college students who act like children.

Freshman year, I’d see curious toddlers walking hand-in-hand with parents at a grocery store, but when I could, I frequented the store long after the kids had gone to sleep.

Now, I knew children would be in the theater. I mean, the series “technically” targets adolescents and it was opening night at 8 p.m. Fine, but that does not excuse the piercing cries of an infant that someone brought to the show. I wanted to watch Harry and the gang clobber some bad-guys, not listen to the incoherent blubbering of babies.

As uncomfortable as children make any situation, I don’t oppose proud parents parading them around. I do, however, question the idea that a 1-year-old child would enjoy an unfamiliar place with dozens of strangers, no lights, loud noises and the regular cascade of cheers and jeers.

Come to think of it, I’m not even disappointed in the kids themselves. I think I would have cried even louder.

To be sure, I asked my mom if she ever brought me screaming into a theater. She said that she never did, pointing out that they’d have to purchase a ticket for someone who can’t understand what’s going on. Even when I could grasp the film, my parents took me to the drive-in theater down the street.

“In case you were out of control, we could leave,” she said.

Good advice, Mom.

I know a few twenty-something moviegoers I’d like to introduce you to.

50 percent off my youth

2007-07-16T00:46:00.000-04:00

Standing in line at the grocery store tonight, I reached into my pocket, pulled out two jagged slips of paper and handed them to the cashier. "I have coupons," I said, somewhat ashamed.

I have coupons.

Lately, I've noticed a lot of these moments, when I call my parents from my kitchen and affirm that yes, I can cook the chicken and the potatoes in the same casserole dish. Other nights, I realize that I've scheduled my day around the laundry cycle, instead of bar closing hours. It's now more important to remove the stains than to jaunt about town, creating them.

Six months ago, I stumbled to class unshaven, unprepared, sometimes dangerously unaware of the world around me. That's changed. Anymore, I can't stay awake past 2 a.m. without regretting it the rest of the week.

I feel older, as if I went to bed a 21-year-old in the prime of his recklessness and awoke wearing a suit and tie, holding a daily planner full of appointments. I don't even dream of flying to work in a helicopter, I catch myself checking out Volvos online.

My always clever father, at 56, likes to remind me that if I'm getting old, what does that make him?

I'm not sure. I know I'm not truly old, in the physical or emotional sense. I think the word I'm grasping at is "tame."

I've been tamed. And I use coupons at the store.